Spy vs Spy
by Melika Elena
Summary: Guardians of the Galaxy meets Agents of SHIELD, because why the hell not. Skye continues the tradition of mocking "Space-Lord"; Fitz and Groot have a dance-off; Jemma can't decide which alien blood to study first; May wishes Coulson would stop bringing home strays. And Rocket and Hunter are in... confinement!


"Star-Lord." Flatly.

"Yes."

"_Star-Lord_." Slowly.

"…Yes."

"Star-Lord?!" Incredulously.

"I'm not quite sure," Peter said, with a patience he didn't feel (or look), "what exactly you're having trouble with understanding here about my name. Is it the pronunciation that's getting you? Because I heard you were part-alien, too, but I assumed you spoke English perfectly."

Skye leaned back, crossing her arms. Her fringe was getting long and nearly covered her eyes. She was on the verge of deciding whether or not to cut it or let it grow. "Oh, I do," she assured him with a drawl. "I'm just trying to figure out if it's arrogance or immaturity that causes you to think that that name is cool."

Peter narrowed his eyes at her. "Oh, I see how this is," he said. "Don't hate cos you ain't, lady. And this is coming from the girl who has like, what, four names? And none of them are as cool as mine, by the way."

Skye scowled. "Oh, yeah?" She said. "You don't even have any cool alien powers! What is it you did? Held a shiny rock? Okay, how about being encased in it and then blowing it up—"

"Shiny rock?" Peter sat up, eyes bugging out. "Excuse you, it was more than just a rock—"

"Shall I take her out?" This was from Gamora, standing in the corner, being closely watched by May— well, half of May was watching her, the other half watching Drax, who in turn was sizing up Mack, who stood benignly in the other corner.

Before he could answer, Peter yipped. "Ow!" He said, rubbing his arm as Simmons stuck a needle into him. Gamora and Drax whipped out their weapons, which caused Bobbi and May to immediately get into defensive fighting stances.

"Sorry!" Simmons said. "I'm taking blood samples of everyone, if it helps."

"Not if I can help it," Drax said seriously.

Simmons gave him a sunny smile. "Not to worry… Mr. Destroyer," she said, "I've already gotten your sample."

Drax looked outraged at this breach in his own personal defenses. "How?" He demanded.

"Last night," Fitz chimed in. He was supposed to be working, but instead was having a dance-off/mimicking contest with Baby Groot. They took turns dancing (arms and torso only) and then mimicking the other's moves. He was secretly quite interested in the automated weapon that was Gamora, but she scared him, maybe even more than May, so he stuck to helping Simmons run tests and dancing with Groot. "When you were drinking with Hunter and Rocket. You passed out in a heap. Can't say I blame you. I think you guys polished off the entire liquor cabinet."

"Where are those two, anyway?" May asked, wondering for the thousandth time if she could possibly get FitzSimmons to clone her. She could only keep an eye out on so many people at once. It was easier when it was just four children— then they "lost" one, added one, adopted three more, and lost another— and now, Phil was bringing along three more, plus an animal and a plant? The fact that they were aliens— or genetically experimented rodents or plants— didn't bother her, really— it was the fact that they were drunkards and scoundrels.

"Downstairs in the cell," Coulson said, coming into the room. "Rocket gets a bit feisty when drunk, and seems to bring out the worst in Hunter."

Bobbi snorted. "Worse than me? Who knew there was something under rock bottom?"

All of the SHIELD members rolled their eyes.

"Well, this has been cool," Peter said, standing up. "But we should go. Seriously."

"I'm afraid that's out of the question for now," Coulson said, in a voice that he usually tended to use with Tony Stark, "we still have a lot of questions for you, Mr. Quill, especially considering your encounters with Ronan and Thanos," the latter said with a nod to Gamora.

Drax growled. "You can't keep us here!" He said.

"I can go re-stock the liquor cabinet in no time, boss," Mack said out of the side of his mouth to Coulson.

"That won't be necessary, Mack," Coulson said, but then paused. "But go do it, anyway." Another pause. "But stay for a minute." This was said with a look at Drax.

Mack was sure he could take Drax. Well, pretty sure. Well, between him, May, and Bobbi, he was sure. Maybe Hunter. Shit. Hunter was in confinement with the talking raccoon.

Crazy shit, outer space.

"We have reason to believe that Thanos is a threat to Earth," Coulson said, "and we realize he's a common enemy. It would be in your best interest, Mr. Drax, to stay so we can join together to defeat him."

Gamora gave a bitter, short laugh. "He is unbeatable," she said.

"Woman!" Drax said. "If there is anyone who can defeat him—"

"Says the man who couldn't even destroy Ronan," Gamora snapped back.

"Guys," Peter said, "guys!"

Skye looked at Coulson, eyebrows raised. "This is worse than when the guys play Mario Kart," she said.

Coulson winced. "I don't think so," he said. "Plus, aren't you forgetting the worst of them all?"

Skye gave him a sheepish smile.

Coulson cleared his throat as Peter stepped in the middle of Gamora and Drax. "As much as Thanos creeps me out," he said, "he's not really an active issue for me right now. I mean, he's not, like, threatening to blow up our galaxy… yet. What's in it for me?"

Coulson smiled. "I was hoping you would ask," he said. "Skye?"

Skye pulled something out of her back pocket. It was small and rectangular. Peter guessed that it was maybe a little bigger than a cassette tape. "What is that?" He asked.

"An iPod," Skye smirked, "and it is going to blow your mind."


End file.
